I need to run more.

I need to stop making excuses and DO something – bike, yoga, whatever-the-fuck – and move my body every. damn. day. 

I want to feel strong on the outside  – make that strength sink into my bones. 

I went for a quick run at lunch with my co-worker (she’s so lovely), and confided in her something that has become a TSN turning point in my life.

So, the big project at work – the one I am doing with Darth – has had me working a bazillion hours in unpaid overtime. We’re a bit of a start up to, and with the promises my boss (the owner) had made me, I considered it sweat equity. I’m not going to just get handed a beach house – this is going to be a hard working journey! Anyway, my boss and I have had to put in a lot of hours together, working in the production room. It just started as chat, and then he was telling me about his marriage, and then it just got progressively more and more uncomfortable. I can’t even believe this is happening. I’ve just been side stepping things, hoping it will cease and desist, but no joy. Add to that I have come to the very real conclusion   in the last month that my boss is running the business into the ground with bad decisions and control issues. The beach house is a serious ways off now.

AND, (because why not pile more crazy onto this clusterfuck) he is not working as hard on the project (Darth’s) as he needs to be. We (as a company) have made commitments to Darth’s company, and I have to kick my boss’s ass to make sure we even come close to the deadlines. It’s a nightmare. Luckily my new friend and who I report to (who really is the one pulling the strings with Darth’s company), has a good idea about what’s going on. But more importantly, he has said that he would hire me, and that I have a position with the company if/when I want it. Which is fabulous to be so wonderfully recognized… did everyone else hear that needle drag across that record? Yes, I know. Then I would be working in the same company as Darth. I know.  Do I know how to rake myself over the coals or what? Healing is for chumps. 

We have talked. The feelings, love, I have for that man astound me. His ability to be a girl problem magnet make me laugh, especially knowing how he pouts at his own misfortune. I told him once (and maybe I’m repeating myself, but I don’t give a shit) that I love him in two ways. One where I love him from far away – looking at the big picture of his life as an outsider. I see him, his loves/relationships/life, I see his bad behavior,  his vulnerability, his wild confidence, his fear, his hopes, his struggles with his vision of the future and I love him. With no thought to me, or an us. I just love that flawed bastard. It fills me up. 

The other way is up close. The way he says my name – angry, breathless or silly – but it always feels filled with emotion. The way his lips felt on mine, the delicious smell of his breath, of him. The dirty things he would say to me, that make me arch my back and shiver even thinking of them now. The way he could make me feel like I was the only woman in the world. The way the rest of the world falls away and all I can see is him. It fills me up. I want him to fill me up again. 

So… yeah, this won’t be hard at all. 

Oh! And my co-worker (who had already put her notice in because of the state of things) was seriously wigged and upset after I gave her the 411. She stopped in the middle of the run and gave me a big hug. 

“I don’t know how you do what you do – raising your kids, working full time, but this is just awful, that he [our boss] would put you in this position. It’s just gross – so inappropriate I don’t even know what to say.” She said as we started up again.

I felt such relief to tell her, “Thank you so much for listening. Honestly, I don’t feel so alone in there, and this is going to sound stupid, but this whole things has made me feel so, ugh, dirty. And not in a good way." 

So life is going to take yet another direction here shortly… I need to be ready.