I have always loved my birthday. Hell, I just love birthdays period! I love getting to make my kids day’s special. It’s a big deal.
The last few years haven’t been the best – 38 Mike went and told his entire family I cheated on him. Yay. 39 was better, and at the end of that month I spent some time with Darth. I had been at my new job a month, and was loving it. It was breath of fresh air. 39 kind of kicked my ass.
40 is coming up. I don’t want to be 40. I’ve spent the last 5 months feeling old and gross. I keep trying to lift my spirits. Operation Becca’s mojo, keeping busy with work, enjoying my kids, changing my living space… but I ache. I am weary.
The big project with Darth got launched today. I dragged that son of a bitch (the project) to the finish line by sheer determination. It was launching today come hell or high water. I even worked all weekend with my kids in tow to get it done. These last bits were out of my hands in terms of coding, but I had to make sure the person who was doing it (my boss) was getting it done. And that meant being there.
It was a busy day getting things off the ground, but we did. And at the end of it, my boss came in and told me I could have Friday off, and gave me some spa time as a reward for a job well done. I came home thinking, that may be a good thing for my birthday – me time. And then afterwards? I have the whole weekend to myself… what to do? I just want to disappear. Find a weird little hotel, and hole up for the weekend. Turn off my cell, and get away completely. Pity party the fuck out of my 40th.
So, sold on this idea I pick up the kids. Get home and see that my boss has sent me a text. Telling me he wants me to enjoy Friday off because we’re working all weekend. I almost cried. I texted him back saying thanks so much for Friday and the overwhelming gift, and okay, we’ll get done what needs to get done. With a smiley face. Even though the dark cloud over my head visibly darkened. It could be none more black.
I’m not even a little happy about 40. I’m fucking sad. And bitchy. And no fun to be around. Maybe work is the best place for me.