I was talking with a friend of mine on gchat last night, I hadn’t spoken with him in ages. We met on tumblr over a year ago, and he’s been a wonderful friend. We’ve never met in person – he is a Dom, married and with a girl. Maybe my perspective is skewed but my first Dom was married (hell, so was I) and so was Darth (still is, though the state of it is up for debate), so maybe my respect for the sanctity of marriage is muddy. But my views on being kept in the dark are clear. And I don’t want to be a part of something where other people are kept in the dark.
I hurt my ex (asshole though he is), but I wish there could have been a better way to end it. But I charged ahead, enjoying the hell out of what I was doing with that other man, with very little (to no) regard for how he would feel about it. Could I have told Mike that I was seeing someone who was filling needs he wasn’t? That is hard. It’s hard to trust that the other person will be reasonable, or not. It’s that whole, it’s easier to ask for forgiveness than permission thing.
I remember after the whole Theresa debacle came to light with Darth, him and I taking about lies being like land mines. You can’t go back and undo them without a whole lot of explosions – he told me that once he committed to a lying course of action, he stayed the course. If only he showed that kind of commitment to other things. (I’m smiling as I type this) I told him, there were no mines with me, ‘fess up, and let’s move forward. I should have listened better. What he said to me then was that he wasn’t going to stop or come clean… but I didn’t listen. Even in our last conversation he laughed at me trying to get the truth out of him (we both were laughing), but he said to me, “You know I won’t tell you.”, essentially telling me he won’t be honest with me. It was our last intimate conversation.
So what the hell does this have to do with last night and a conversation with my friend the Dom? Well, things can get flirty, and it’s a slippery slope, and already it’s gotten a little slide-y. Maybe it’s my heart hurting still, maybe it’s trust issues, maybe it’s a bunch of things, or all of them, but I can’t simply *play*. Even with delicious orgasms at stake that aren’t self induced.
A snippet of what I wrote him:
I thought a lot about you after I went up to bed. Mulling over the situation. I know I’ve said it a million times, but I am no Theresa. I can’t seem to just *play*, and throw thoughts of other people’s hearts to the wind. I am a very easy going person, who believes that love is big – bigger than just two people. It doesn’t fit neatly into one mold. One thing that the whole fucked up experience taught me though is that honesty is something I can’t do without. Even if it’s hard. I shake and want to cry thinking about being treated that way again… It’s not the other partners, it’s thinking I’m too weak or stupid to handle it. It’s taking away the intimacy of truth, and feeling like the other person doesn’t trust me with their whole heart. Or simply can’t be bothered to explain and share theirs.
I’m not judging anyone else. I’ve lived both sides. I still loved Him after all the lies – crazy places to be. I adore my friend. He is someone I could easily enjoy myself with, much more, if things were different. But they aren’t. And at the end of the day, I need to feel true to myself. Honor who I am.
So I took a break from cleaning the house to write it down. I learn better when I write it out.