Despite my rather down post yesterday, I have been doing really well. Hanging out with my Mum (who leaves next week), enjoying time with my kids, working hard, enjoying my new friendship with my co-worker/boss guy, from the very same project that he is on. An unexpected but fun thing. Nothing romantic, or even slightly sexy, just nice and refreshingly platonic. It’s that relationship that keeps me excited about the work we’re doing. It’s that relationship that has taken my involvement in the project to the next level.

In regards to the post last night, well, it was Tuesday. And for those who don’t know what that means, it means I saw him – even the webcam blurry version, as we all webmeet as a board of directors. 

I don’t think there is anything harder than looking at someone and knowing the road you traveled is done, but the feelings in your heart just won’t die already. Knowing that his life goes on, and I am no longer privy to knowing how he’s doing, no more than a casual acquaintance, or stranger.

So Tuesdays  are hard. And Tuesday nights my dreams are… harder.

But I am moving forward. No more looking back (or sideways over at Sarah – even though seeing her pop up in my work project sphere makes me feel awful), I am just muscling through and finding joy in the little things – and I do. Really wonderful, heart filling stuff. 

I taught Nate how to ride his bike the other day. The two of us were laughing so hard, I had tears in my eyes. Last weekend the kids and I planted little gardens for each of them. I have started to train my body again. Lately I have just felt so deeply thankful for my life. I feel ready to seize all opportunity, that pre-flight excitement of journeys yet to take.

It is a wonderful and odd place to be. To feel so good and still be heart sore. Some days it makes me feel bipolar. A crazy mix of hopeful and despondent. 

I know I will have adventures, enjoy really living, but I can’t imagine a man that could possibly step into my life. At. All. I can’t even fathom my heart singing again, in that way. It’s like my heart has found a different tune – it’s still a good one, just different. 

I also feel no urge to heal it, or try and make it the way it was. I don’t feel afraid to be alone either. It’s peaceful, uncomplicated and it’s making me have a good hard look at who I am, where I want to go, how I want to live, and what my goals and dreams are. 

I needed to take my my own advice, and just live the life I want to, owning my choices. Making shit up as I go, and enjoying the ride, and doing it in a way that reflects my values. So that’s what I’m doing. I’m also allowing myself to be sad sometimes, and grieve, and then making myself start moving again.

Time and life wait for no man, and I have a lot of living to do.