I had sick kids today. Which sucks. 2 of the 4 were down for the count, but that still leaves half of them very busy, and me trying to split my time between the two.
I got the call from the school to come and pick Thomas up (Nate managed to get through the day before crashing) and had to leave a very busy day at work that I was just starting to sink my teeth into. I wanted to get some stuff done! I wanted to not think, just work. Or at least just think about work.
I’ve been having random moments where I just burst into tears. I just hurt so fucking much. God. These feelings just bring me to my knees – I cry and then I get back up. Start again. Rinse and repeat.
After answering a few emails, and cleaning up sick kids tonight, I decided to wallow. Go big or go home. All the photos, emails, texts, voice memos/messages, chats that I still had.
I had said to Kinkyminx, I thought maybe as a purge, I would post our old texts. Like somehow sharing them would lessen their hold on me.
I listened to some of the old voice mail that he left me (yes, I thought they were adorable and saved them). “Hello Midget… sexy, sexy Miiiidget.” (that was my nickname – hawt I know, but I loved it) and then he would ramble on about the craziest shit, do at least one Christopher Walken impersonation, call me a naughty girl and then end with various funny voices and a round of I love yous. The last one I listened to he said before my answer machine cut him off after more that 2 and half minutes, “Oh, and in case you didn’t know, I love you… oh I have ten more seconds, it’s warning me now – I love you!” Aaaand I cried some more. Like I am now.
Love is total fucking balls.
In our last conversation, where he had me so twisted up, believing that maybe I had made a mistake, that he wasn’t still in contact with Sarah, and that somehow I had been wrong. I can’t believe he did that to me, treated me that way. He asked me if I had anything else I wanted to say.
“I’m sorry. I will always love you.” I sobbed.
He sighed deeply and told me he’d always love me too. He wished me a good life.
I will. Though Valentine’s day will probably always suck. Zombie dick for free.