I just got off work, and I decided rather than go home to an empty house (dog and cat not withstanding), I would go to Jack’s and have dinner. Ginny is out, so it’s just me, a table for one. 

I was thinking about this day last year. How different life was. How on this particular evening, I was so unbelievably happy, but my life was a veritable mess. No real job, trapped, up to my eyeballs in legal, and just plain painful battles with my (still not) ex. But I was so fucking happy. If I close my eyes, I can recall all the details, as if there.

Since this date last year, my life has been pulled together from the absolute lowest lows. I have created a job for myself – now quiet literally, as I have been asked to manage the production team going forward. This is huge, and depending on how hard I work, could mean my 2 year financial freedom goals will be realized. I have learned how to be a single parent. My life, in those terms, is a million times better than it was last year. And I can proudly say I worked hard and managed it myself  – with the love and support of friends and family, of course.

But here I am, exactly a year later, so terribly sad. Where if I let thoughts creep in, I can feel my eyes sting and my chest get tight. I roll everything over and over again in my mind. I think about him/us from every possible angle. Try and wrap my head around it. Try not to let the hopelessness overwhelm me.

I told a friend of mine tonight that the more you try and stuff love into a traditional paradigm, the harder, more painful I think you can make it for yourself. Of course that’s just my opinion. I was willing to explore new love ground – be an adventurer/explorer of love. Who says it has to be one way, or three ways, or twelve?  Why couldn’t I make this shit up as I go? There is that stupid meme that is going around “Don’t judge others because they sin differently than you”. Firstly what is “sin”? If getting freaky naughty is sinful, well that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard, Period. I’ve been thinking of it more, “Don’t judge others because they love differently than you”.

I don’t want it to get easier. I want to hold on to these feelings… I never want to forget. Even as he goes on and forgets me. Which is another thing I don’t want to lose site of. He will. If he hasn’t already. He is still the first person I think about in the morning, and the last at night. Time will march on though. Relentlessly. Time will take it’s toll – it’s price the highest there is. 

Tonight, I’ll get home, have a cup of tea, look at some pictures that will have been taken a full year ago tomorrow. I will think on that as I go to  breakfast with a friend, get my car’s breaks fixed, go to work for the rest  of the day, and then meet Ginny for a movie. I’ll keep my sad, pathetic ass busy. But it won’t matter – he’s with me wherever I go.