I got up this morning and went for a run. Nothing crazy long, and I didn’t care about my pace or time – I just ran. And it felt good. I had my ipod on and flicked through to all my current favourite running songs.
She was glad about it… no doubt about it
She isn’t sure where she’s gone
No time to think about what to tell them
No time to think about what she’s done
And she was
2011 was the year I changed completely the direction of my life – and my kids lives. For what? An idea. The idea that I have in my head about the way I want to live and love.
2012 was a year… stuck in 2nd gear. Life, it’s a gamble, a crap shoot – you spin the wheel and take your chances, but what you do with what happens means everything. What happens next is 100% on me. Sure, I couldn’t foresee the insane flaming hoops of divorce I had to jump through or falling in love with someone who didn’t feel as passionately about me as I did him. It sucks. But there are choices. I choose me. I choose happiness. I choose to go out and keep looking for my dream – my ideal – and a strong, capable man (see my list) who believes in it too. I want a partner to explore with. It may not be in 2013 that I find this person (or ever!), but I won’t give up and I won’t settle. No more being 2nd, 23rd or ranked behind the adoring tumblr masses. Done.
I’ve made some huge, gigantic, personal leaps this year though – I have a fabulous job, where I have big dreams. My 2.5 year goal of being financially free of my ex is a work in progress, but I work hard at it everyday. I love my job, and after, in the early part of 2012, having a job that was god awful, that left me empty, I can truly say I know the value of a good, healthy workplace. Amen.
2012 was the hardest year for parenting ever. It did not bring out the best in me, my patients were at an all time low. As the year went on, and I started to get my single-mom legs, things have gotten a bit easier. I know this will always be a challenge. The parenting handbook is balls.
As I was running I was listening to Inner Ninja (there’s a story behind that ), and if you run/exercise, you know the feeling when a song comes on that boosts your energy – personal power x100. Anyway, I feel good about 2013. Really good.
Hey yo, I’ve been high and I’ve been real low
I’ve been beaten and broken but I healed though
So many ups and downs, roughed up & clowned
We all got problems, but we deal though
I’m tryin’ to do better now, find my inner peace
Learn my art form, and find my energy
When my backs on the wall, I don’t freeze up
Nah, I find my inner strength and I re-up
Here we go, I know I’ve never been the smartest or wisest
But I realize what it takes
Never dwell in the dark cause the sun always rises
But gotta make it to the next day
There were days this year I didn’t think I’d make it to the next sunrise – hell, I just didn’t want to. I was so damn tired of clawing for ground – with everything – money, kids, job, Him. But I made it. I’m here.
It’s a feeling that you get in your lungs when you run
Like you’re runnin’ outta air and your breath won’t come
And you (uh) wheezin’, gotta keep it movin’
Find that extra (uhn) and push your way through it
My evening is going to be spent with Ginny (my safari adventuring, 69 year old, widow friend), we’re going to watch movies in our jammies, I’m going to buy a bottle of champagne, we’ll ring in the new year. I’m going to stay over and we’ll watch the rose bowl in the morning. Then brunch.
In the afternoon I’ll pick up my peeps – I can’t wait to see them! I’ve missed them terribly over the holidays, but this is what my Christmases will be like, every other year.
Last year, I wrote about changes and quoted Neil Gaiman, and I see he has another fabulous one this year –
“May your coming year be filled with magic and dreams and good madness. I hope you read some fine books and kiss someone who thinks you’re wonderful, and don’t forget to make some art — write or draw or build or sing or live as only you can. And I hope, somewhere in the next year, you surprise yourself.”
— Neil Gaiman
And once again, Mr Gaiman toasts to the new year beautifully. May we all have such a wonderful, good madness, filled year!
Here’s to surprising ourselves! *clink* Happy New Year my friends.
~ Becca