So I had a weird day yesterday, the kind that made me feel uncomfortable and sad.
Remember me mentioning being asked out to dinner and movie – adult conversation type thing? Well, I’ve been busy, he and I had texted (that has got to be one of the most awkward past tense verbs) each other just saying hello, sort of thing. He asked one Saturday what I was up to, but I had plans that night (the work fundraiser), and I have been a little “meh” about the whole idea of going out.
He sent me a text Sunday morning – he was headed out my way, had a data stick with a tv show on it he’d downloaded, he told me I’d really enjoy and he’d see me soon.
He came over. I was doing yard work, putting up Christmas lights and hanging out with my kids, Ginny was on her way over to watch them, so I could go and do some grocery shopping for the week.
He was nice. He met my kids. Ginny. My dog. It felt… terrible. This was not the man I wanted meeting my family. It hit me like a freight train, and I was so terribly sad. I was polite, but reserved. It was easy to be quietish, since he enjoyed talking about himself. He is not the man on my list.
I told him I needed to go grocery shopping, he offered to take me, which was nice of him, but felt weird. We went grocery shopping. I was keenly aware of what I bought, though he complimented me on buying lots of fruits, vegetables and little to no processed food. Still, I am on a budget. I buy what I need with no frills. He drives a mercedes, and talked about getting scallops. I haven’t felt so much like a single mom with budgetary constraints in the entire year I’ve been a single mom.
At one point he mentioned how scary it is, being “this age” (he’s a year younger than I am) and being single again. He has no kids, a successful business, I just said, “Yeah.”, and bit my tongue.
Then he drove me home, stayed and talked for a bit while I put away the groceries and my kids ran through the house, like they do, and left. I gave him a hug and said thank you for the tv show, drive, company (I’m Canadian, polite is our schtick) I closed the door and felt… oogy.
He was a nice guy. Not unattractive. I haven’t had sex since May, and yet… zero. Nothing. And I was so… sad. God… how can I still be in love with someone who doesn’t love me? How can I long for something that was mostly all in my head? It’s pathetic. *sigh*
Weird can be fabulous, in fact, generally speaking, I’m a huge fan of weird! Give me a situation where I am out of the my normal element, and I love it. That feeling like the world is just slightly off kilter (or totally!) is exhilarating! If you were to ask me, I would say I want *more* weird. So that helped compound my helpless feeling… like I need to just lock myself away because I am broken.
I want weird to make me feel wonderful again.