Sculpture by Paige Bradley

I love this piece. Many times I have looked at this picture and thought about how I have felt this way these past 2 years. 

Cracked, broken, but somehow still together.

I have been quiet. It really burns my fucking toast that I love him. It drives me mental. I know, logically, all the very real reasons to just let go. He’s let go. Kind of. We talked this week. He told me he loved me at the end of our conversation, which was fun and nice and left me aching for him. Aching for something he clearly doesn’t feel. Passion. For me. It’s madness. Painful, bereft madness.

I was telling my sister about the call, and she lost her shit on me “Becca that man is a serious fucking douch! He knows damn well how you feel about him, and he just swoops in when he needs a Bec Ego Boost. He’s just using you to stroke his huge, out of control ego. I’m sorry, but jesus…”

I also got a email from my wonderful friend A, who said (and it made me laugh out loud and wish I could hug her), “He. Is. A. Player. If he gets so devastated that he realize he cannot live without you (which he should have realized by now if he had a heart at all), leaves his wife and wants to emigrate to Canada, trust me: He will find you. In all other cases: Do. Not. Bother…”

And then iSay’s comments, which made me smile. 

Now if only my heart would get the message. So god damned frustrating – for me and those watching me struggle. Which is why I’ve been quiet(ish) about my feelings. I’m on an emotional hamster wheel.

Anyway, it’s been quiet with him for a few days, and I always wonder if this is the silence that tears it down (whatever this is) for good. That he has found a new love, or dalliance, or just someone new. Funnier, cooler, pretty, younger…etc.

*sigh* That stupid lyric about “You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness” haunts me. I don’t want that. 

I got asked out on a date today. He’s a nice guy, but I’m not interested in anything except an evening of adult conversation, which I said to him. I think it will probably leave me feeling more sad, but I am turning into a hermit, and that’s not good or healthy either. God, this just has disaster written all over it…

*closes eyes*